Letter to my Late Grandfather

Dear Nanu,

Two Months have passed since you left us, but the emptiness you crafted in my heart remains. I’ve missed you in days every so bright, thought about you in nights ever so calm, you don’t necessarily upset me, but your lingering memories leave a longing in my heart. I wish to see you.

I’ve only known you at your weakest, seen you at your most vulnerable. I’ve only really talked when you’re low and how much I wish I could’ve changed.

My dear nanu, you left us too soon. Too many conversations never happened, too many laughs yet to be shared, you were yet to cry on my wedding, yet to recite all those bedtime stories to my younger siblings. Now you’ve deprived them of the joy of it all.

I remember seeing you the last time, two years back, you looked old and tired, in a wheelchair, but you also looked happy. You always did care about all your children and their kids. I’ve seen you play both parents to them, seen you teach them much more than any other father does. You’re such an inspiration Nanu, even when you’re not among us, you’re such an inspiration.

I wish I had the time to ask you, how you did that. I wish I could hear your songs once more, your bedtime stories. No matter what the situation was, you always had something nice to say, always words to pull me up. I’ve looked up to you all those years when you drove and did daily chores, lived purposefully and never got tired, you were happy nanu, and you sure spread it all around you.

I used to love summers, as we visited you, I loved your home Nanu. So many times I fell in the garage, so many eggs and Squashes devoured from your dining table, so much laughter bagged in from your lounge, so much wisdom from you, nanu.

You were friends with my grandfather, you showed me another side to him. I envied your friendship and longed for a similar, you both had something to share, so much history and so much of life.

I vividly remember your stories from my childhood, stories that inspired me then, stories that only linger in my heart and soul now. I loved hearing you talk about your wife, to me she was nothing more than a name and my mother’s lost parent, as I never saw her, but thanks to you she became so much more. You made me see love beyond life, I felt its presence every time you mentioned her. You loved her ever so dearly, it showed in your empty smiles, how lucky she must’ve been, how amazing to have had the love of a man and let it remain even years after she’s deceased.

I’m missing you right now Nanu, I wish you knew just how much of my heart holds a place for you. I hope you’re in a better place, I hope you’re with her now, I send my love to you both. Till the day we may meet once again, till then, my heart will have an empty spot.

Your’s Truly,
Naiha.

 

My Dear Husband,

My Dear Husband,

I’m graciously grateful of Him for tying you to me. It’s been a long journey and, I feel I haven’t said it enough, haven’t told you how I’ve felt for a long time now.

I love you, a lot more than these words can possibly mean, more than I ever thought I’d feel for another soul, I love you for the countless blessings and numerous embraces. I love you, have done for a long time and always will. I love you, husband.

There is more that I haven’t said, more that I haven’t told you. I want to, but lack the audacity, today on our 25th anniversary, I’ll give words to the mountains of emotions concealed deep in my heart. Today, I choose to free myself of the burden that I’ve lived all my life. I hope, the father of my children, you’d take me as I am and from this day forward, be the friend that I thought you were.

You’ve personified an ideal husband, you’ve become the perfect father, you’ve never let me down and never missed a responsibility, you’ve always been a hero, our hero, you’ve never skipped a day at being what you are, and for that, my husband, I will forever be grateful. But my friend, you, I’ve missed you all these years.

At my birthdays, racing to wish me
At anniversaries, trying tirelessly to surprise me
At dinner tables, holding hands beneath it
At the coffee houses, stealing looks of me
At nights, embracing me
At parties, complimenting me
Making mistakes together, and laughing about it.
But my beloved friend, I’ve missed you the most during all of those days,
just being there and talking to me.

My friend, you’ve lost in the wind of a perfect world, and I can’t complain. Because if I say anything, I’d be the one to blame. I wish you could see how selfless I’ve been, wish you’d hear the unraveling trauma of my head while I pen down to free the serpent of my soul.

You’ve aced being a husband and a father, my heart hopes for you to be a better friend.

You’re loving wife,
and once-a-friend

Dear Emily

Dear Emily,

I do not know where to begin. The worlds have changed since you and I have been on one end. My heart aches from the hollow that you left behind, all those years ago, when you said goodbye.

I’ve aged another year, they say I’ve grown to look much like you, I disagree, you definitely beat me to it. Like in everything else. My dear sister, I miss looking at that lovely face of yours, you definitely took after mother. You wouldn’t be much glad to hear that I no longer envy your fuller cheeks, I graciously fluffed my own.

Emily, all are well and good, the kids miss you though, they ask me if you’re upset from them for the last time. I hear about their mischievious break in to your cupboard and the later consequence every other week. They need me to tell you they’re terribly sorry. I need to tell you, I’m terribly sorry, I gave them the key.

Dad has been ill, Emily. I find no familiarity in his lifeless eyes , he’s become more like you. Restricted. Gathered. Except there’s no glee, nothing charming anymore left of him inside his motionless body.

Mother lives deprived of days, no sense of night or daylight, I see her purposelessly wandering around your room and fathers. I wish I could console her, contain her, like you once did. I wish I had some words to speak.

You’ve always been their favorite Em, they always loved you more. You’ve always done so much good, you’ve simply been better. All are good and well, Em, because this the best they could be.

Remorseful life surrounds us all, all our lives filled with agony now that you’re so faraway. My dear, beautiful elder sister, you’ll never read this letter, like the other 19 ones I wrote. 20 years to when you were gone, when father held your cold blue hands in his for the last time, when I saw his eyes say more then in the past 19 years together.

20 years to our last day together, to when you whispered ‘I forgive you’ in my ears but your eyes told another story. I cannot confess to the horrors I’ve done, another year maybe, in my next letter perhaps?

I miss you Em, And I’m sorry.

Yours truly,

Lily.

To my very own.

Dear Mine,

There’s immense gratitude in my heart for all of what you’ve done and said, my life-long debt to your kindness indeed remains intact. You need not pretend to be my own because I witnessed your trembling and hesitation. 

I cannot let you see me naked, undress my shields and reveal my horrors. I cannot hold you close to my heart, and let you hear it beating so fast, I can’t let another in, someone who isn’t ready to hold my fears from within.

You think you know, but you cannot understand. To you, I am just her, to me you’re mine, my very own world, but I am another, to those outside, they see me differently, for them, I put on a laugh, my worldly mask, from them I blatantly hide.

Your eyes run through these words so fresh, so out and bold yet all so pure. But they will be old from when I wrote, I poured out my heart so that you can see,  that I’m though just a her, but I was your her to be.

In time,  I gathered all of mine, I took off with a hole in my chest where once my heart lied. You have it somewhere, somewhere around you, keep it safe, till you realize what I must be going through. 

I need to pull myself apart, to know my life and smile at last. For sure you’ve been immensely kind, but for how I felt you be mine, you’ve been a complete stranger to me. Your words raw with cold cruelty, your eyes so black, no path to the soul. I wish you grow from where you stand, I wish my heart teaches you love. Till then my own, I bid farewell.

Just a Her.