Today, I’m wondering how I grew up to be a feminist, why gender equality was and still is one of the main agendas of my life, I don’t know when I wanted to break the stereotype of a pretty girl and become a successful one, an independent one, a talented one, a smart one, just like most men in my culture. I don’t know when, and why, and how. Because today, I’m sitting where I wished to be ten years ago and contentment is the farthest thing it seems. I’d rather be Cinderella, dreaming of a prince charming for freedom and my rescue.
I wish, like most of those I knew, I’d dream about a prince to come to my rescue, to be married off and be taken care of, provided for, forever. I always was the one on the horse you see, haha, ironic, isn’t it?
My grandparents told me to be myself, live freely, soiled thoughts of individuality and rights in my mind, books taught me better than to judge others and my religion helped me understand the essence of life, it’s not in comparison but unison. At 21, I was a fully formed woman, like many other out there, I believed in myself and looked out for myself, always finding a balance between the desires and the right, always tried being ‘good’ and as much as I loved being my individual self, I allowed myself to follow what was taught to me by my parents, elders, religion, friends, the world. This world. That was my mistake.
I put others before me for more than half my life, from tiny negligible things to major life changing decisions, didn’t complain, didn’t regret, it worked out good for everyone. Till I considered myself among the ‘everyone’.
I miss my old self-today because I can’t find it in me anymore, I can’t put others before me, not when my world was deprived of someone to do the same for me. At every point in life, I achieved more, more than needed, more than asked, more than expected, more than my peers did, until it became a habit, a tradition. I made lemonades all my life and in the end, it didn’t even matter because who asks what you got, they don’t look at what you did but what you have in the end. The road doesn’t matter to anyone, not that it should, but why then, do I put them before me and make my life unnecessarily deprived.
I worked up my way on the metal ladder that life blessed me with, no silver spoons, no diamond glass, only earth and metal and I used every last ounce of it. I climbed to where everyone couldn’t and was proud of myself. Was, because I was made to believe that there isn’t a thing to be proud of.
Everyday is a struggle for me, I wish to know if there’s someone out there experiencing the same, or someone out there who knows and understands if not going through it, I wish to know its not that I’m too whiny to be happy. I’m a career oriented women, I’m one of those who feel that work is as important as family, likely, I’m very particular about my mental and physical health. Most days I’m told how I need to focus only on looks and disregard health, physical or mental, to look beautiful. My skin, my hair, my complexion, my weight, all is a matter of public discussion, its sad and some days they get to me, making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.