It’s in the past and that is the only reason I’m able to pen it down now.
Getting married is fancy, fancier than I would like it to be but it wasn’t all that fun. Name all the panic and anxiety attacks you can and oh do it while wearing a very heavy and layered long dress and kindly stand in about 35 degrees and while you’re at it make sure your face is covered in about 4 layers of pastry-like makeup. Don’t cringe, I couldn’t, the smile couldn’t falter when you’re the bride, remember?
Okay I won’t be mean, it wasn’t that cruel of a day, there were beautiful moments like when my brother looked at me dolled up and said ‘not bad’ that’s all the compliment he could muster or when all my family was gathered around with wet eyes on the parchment I were to sign or when I saw my best friend dressed up as the groom and realizing I’m marrying him or when I looked at my mom after the signing and saw her smile instead of crying or when he whispered ‘you look pretty’ while standing next to me without even looking or when the other friends stayed back to embarrass me to limits during the shoot or the ride to the dinner where he played my favorite songs or when he made me leave the room to record cheesy things about me. It was an experience like no other, every second of the above made my heart do somersaults, I breathed a little too fast and smiled a little too wide.
The day didn’t come without its own sweet share of the crying moments, the second I signed the last parchment tying my life to his I welled up or when I had to tell myself that I’ve got 9 more months at home or when I had a little too much water and couldn’t find a way to release myself or when my friend video called all the way from the UK just to check on me and to be a part of my big day or when he held my hand and then promised to hold it forever ( gah, I don’t care how cliche, it still made me cry okay? I am a girl after all – …I know…)
There were plenty of funny moments too, like when I lost my deodorant in the parlor and only wished it wouldn’t get toasty or when I called my mom to pick up a new pair of undergarments as I brilliantly forgot to carry one to the parlor or when the Maulvi said the wrong name (apparently he was good marrying me off to some ‘Saeed’ instead of ‘Moeed’ ) but it helped me keep my composure as I lost all tears that were just piling up and the signing turned to be a ha-ha moment, or when I couldn’t keep a straight face for the picture and had my tongue out and eyes rolled during half the shoot or when I forgot to carry my matching slippers and had sky blue socks on underneath a white to red dress or when I was 4 layers under makeup and clothes and hairsprays and what not and desperately wanted to pee or when I kept whisper-shouting to my very new husband to sit straight and not lean back (which he would do every damning 5 minutes) as it would make me look taller. Those now-funny but back then panic-causing and nearly nerve wrecking moments were all that made the day real. I wasn’t just numb to this world or to any feeling, the happiness wasn’t like no other thing I’ve felt before rather exactly how happy I feel being at home.
4th April was one of the longest days of my life, it’s weird how I remember the tiniest of details vividly from the morning till the very end. I liked being pampered by everyone around me from my family to servants to the guys at the parlor and the mosque and the hall, it felt like my day and made me feel special but it also made me scared, frightened, nauseated, breathless, exhausted, nervous, anxious…