All my life I knew a different meaning of hurt
I thought needles and fire could cause fatal damage
Served me right, for being such a fool
Served me right, for not knowing better
No physical injury but a pain that felt fatal, worst than my worst nightmares
I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the shame in his eyes.
Every second of that trip hits me like a bullet and no matter where I am and what I’m doing, I’m taken back all those months and shoved right into my place. Nothing he says or does makes it better, it does make a lot of difference but it doesn’t fix what’s broken inside of me. I’m afraid nothing ever will.
Every year is a revelation of how deeply I’ve lived in denial, and every year it makes it even harder to conceal my shattered self but I’ve never suffered to the extent where I pray to not exist anymore. Living became so hard, every breath hurt, every second killed, I lost parts of me that I terribly miss but can’t find, anywhere, nowhere.
I heard my heart break into tiny pieces like broken glass, I felt my soul cry from within, churning my stomach and making me sick to the toes. My world has changed, I have changed, but for what? I don’t think anything or anyone is worth that much.
The worst of all is the fact that I can’t hold a grudge, the fact that I can’t blame. But then why do I want to? Of all the people, I never expected him to put me here, every time he’s with me now, I feel a lump in my throat. Every day is a struggle to not utter nonsense, a battle with my broken heart to forget, if not forgive. Every night I sulk in nothingness to protect what’s already lost, to mend what doesn’t even exist anymore. It’s like dusting a plant in the desert, can you ever rid it off the sand?