Because Eyes can’t lie.

All my life I knew a different meaning of hurt
I thought needles and fire could cause fatal damage
Served me right, for being such a fool
Served me right, for not knowing better
No physical injury but a pain that felt fatal, worst than my worst nightmares
I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the shame in his eyes.

Every second of that trip hits me like a bullet and no matter where I am and what I’m doing, I’m taken back all those months and shoved right into my place. Nothing he says or does makes it better, it does make a lot of difference but it doesn’t fix what’s broken inside of me. I’m afraid nothing ever will.

Every year is a revelation of how deeply I’ve lived in denial, and every year it makes it even harder to conceal my shattered self but I’ve never suffered to the extent where I pray to not exist anymore. Living became so hard, every breath hurt, every second killed, I lost parts of me that I terribly miss but can’t find, anywhere, nowhere.

I heard my heart break into tiny pieces like broken glass, I felt my soul cry from within, churning my stomach and making me sick to the toes. My world has changed, have changed, but for what? I don’t think anything or anyone is worth that much.

The worst of all is the fact that I can’t hold a grudge, the fact that I can’t blame. But then why do I want to? Of all the people, I never expected him to put me here, every time he’s with me now, I feel a lump in my throat. Every day is a struggle to not utter nonsense, a battle with my broken heart to forget, if not forgive. Every night I sulk in nothingness to protect what’s already lost, to mend what doesn’t even exist anymore. It’s like dusting a plant in the desert, can you ever rid it off the sand?

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3 thoughts on “Because Eyes can’t lie.

  1. I know this is me being a complete insolent but I think you are the same lively awesome person who got me into books again, what the heck happened to that happy person?

    And who is this person you’re talking about that’s with you but so bad?

    Again don’t mind me going to that place of personal self, just don’t reply if you think that it’s not my territory to meddle with and I won’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bilal your comment gave me the biggest smile, its good to know that there are people who care 🙂 that I’ve made friends over blogosphere that are so considerate:)
      and well I write random stuff all the time and schedule it for later so that it doesn’t really get published when I’m down. I’m sure everyone goes through times, good and bad, I’m generally happy 🙂
      but thanks for asking.

      Liked by 1 person

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