Vagueness inside

Life is an unpredictable journey where we won’t ever be ready. Humans assume that age brings in experience, and experience helps our future. This is just another topping to the enormous layers of our myths and false beliefs.

Dear Readers, Tonight was another sleepless night that blissfully turned out to be excited. Why? Well because…

With all the stuff that I usually have in my head, I tried to figure out what bothers me the most? Losing friends, losing love, being too considerate, or too spontaneous? Do I blame myself for lagging behind or hate myself for moving a little too ahead?

There’s a lot to learn yet and no matter what age I become, there always will be a lot more to discover. We eventually get used to of stuff that happens more often and call it ‘experience’ when every new day still remains a mystery for us.

How we regret doing so many things and how we require so many answers. I wish I could change all my question marks to fragments of facts and live peacefully with all my doubts cleared or at least put a full stop right after it so the urge to find a response no longer remains. But every night when I lay down with a smile,the questions forms a blurred vision that blocks all the blissful thoughts and leaves me lost in the dark world surrounded by shattered dreams. Every night, all I can think of is the worst that happened to me, and when I try balancing it with the good stuff, I’m out of things to count on. So Typically human of me.

I’m always trying to be happy, trying to look as cheerful as one can be. But never quite realized I ‘showed off’, like people wished to be rich, pretty and awesome in their ways, I wanted badly to be and look happy. At this thought I sympathize with myself.

So tonight I force-asked myself to answer one question – What do I need from life?

I expected silence, confusion, or something insanely stupid or impossible perhaps. But some little part of me smiled and looked around. The simple smiles and sweet essence of relationships with friends and family is all that I needed to make my life perfect, all this time it was right here, and well I lost it the second I stopped looking. 

Remember as a child when you’re asked what your dreams are and all the craziest stuff of the world hits your mind. The 7 year old me had dreams, so many of them. One day I wanted to stand on the moon and wanted a chocolate factory of my own on the other. Haha how silly your dreams can be…

I’ve concluded a lot about myself during the past two years of my life but tonight I made a breakthrough. At first it seemed like I had it all figured out and a new life started like a clean slate and its funny how things got gloomy and escalated quickly to nothing but a tragic mess. This morning my smile didn’t reflect in my eyes, my voice hid my shattering heart’s cry, but that was the last of it.

How desperately we sometimes wish for a ‘rewind’ or an ‘undo’ button, and it’s not surprising that we do get another chance at almost everything and yet again we don’t falter to make it a further mess. So today I’ve revealed another flaw of mine, I’m in a rush to jump to the conclusion and skip the important details in the process.

All this soul exposure and letting my dark self out was to make me feel better, maybe it didn’t work this time, maybe it won’t work from now. The murky side should always be concealed and never revealed as an open wound never heals.

Life is perfect for none, only those with the courage see and understand it, the rest of us, well we get our sleepless nights and young heartbreaks.


8 thoughts on “Vagueness inside

    • Thankyou Hasnain, always a pleasure to hear someone compliment your writing 😎
      And well we do come out of all those nights alive and healthy , so I guess happiness takes over and wins eventually.

      Liked by 1 person

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