Loosing Relevance

I woke up one day and forgot what it’s like to live.

The day started with the alarm going on and my tired eyelids forcing themselves to reveal my half shut, tiresome eyes regretting the late night hours spent on a stupid device. It’s the same morning, same alarm, and same me, dragging my bulky body towards the dingy bathroom.

Every step feels heavy on my head, my sight still blurred, I grab my pink toothbrush and struggle to apply the paste. Frustration rising each second, ounces of anger nibbling my mind. Cold water splashes on my face and my eyes wide open, not a dream, not a nightmare, reality, this is reality.

A long usual stare at my once-blushed face, so pale, so lifeless. I leave from home with the same disappointment as always, another day down the lane, another day wasted. Cursing and agitated, going to work too was a struggle. I don’t live anymore, I’m surviving, breathing, my heart’s still beating, but this isn’t life, this isn’t living, not even the least of it.

I miss smiling, dancing around in my underwear, I miss playing, curling up late night in my cozy bed, now my face is raw, with nothing but fear, no dance or curling, just the cold inside of me screaming as I shut out everyone who cares.

A usual walk from the office to back home- at least that’s what I once called it, the house no longer enchants me, suicidal thoughts home in my head and where love once laid, lie only anxiety, restlessness and a constant ache. I’ve lost the will to fight, giving up definitely suits my convenience, inhaling each breath expecting it to be the last. How much longer till my limbs absolutely fail? How many more beats can my lifeless heart survive? A Question provoking death lay ahead each second, my once-cheerful soul hating myself for turning so bare, so cold. Nothing but ice, tears and shadows of darkness that linger up and down my dumped self.

Another night alone, another sleep in isolation, another struggle to stand up straight, another morning and yet another awful day. I drag my misery along with me, with every step on the snow glazed footpath, now the sun shines bright, the ice in my heart melts only to bring out the tears from my so cold eyes. I’m sobbing on the street, crying out agony, crying out pain and I can’t stop, I call on people and things and God but these tears won’t stop seizing all of me.

I drop down to my knees, one last look up on the world, I saw your face in the crowd, still,  motionless, my knees numb from cold merciless floor, and my gaze stuck at the man I once so deeply and shamelessly loved. He didn’t smile, not so much as a nod, he’s staring back at a crooked and dark soul, so broken its possibly not even worth a try, no mending and repairing of the lost love and the last goodbye.

My tears sense his presence, my hands locked on my thighs and my lips so dry. ‘oh’ my heart sighed, losing all words like a toddler in a ride, can’t say if I’m happy or suddenly I feel deprived of all the lost years of my beautifully horrible life. I let my eyes shut, I let my heart decide, for once I’ll do as I please, I don’t want to know of what is right and what isn’t, of what I should do and what I shouldn’t, just don’t want to lose this moment don’t want to end just yet.

My arms feel warm, the sunlight shinning on my face earlier is also gone, ounces of life is left inside of me, I’m wondering if this is it for me, I still don’t dare open my eyes, still down on my knees and my tears sliding down my pale bruised skin. I sense an embrace, I’m picked up from the ground, I oblige lowering my gaze, not letting them see the fear I home inside of my head, I know he can’t return, I know his soul isn’t in this world, but I let myself smell him last time, feel his arms around mine, I let him grab me and hold me and see, tell me I’m alive and that I need to breathe. My eyes now wide open, I lay on a hospital bed, no sun just bright lights, and blue robes covering all doctors on my sides.

I’m back, I’m alive, a gift of life is given yet again and I shall smile for this time, is my second chance, to live a happy life, with a soul that is content.

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